Guaranteed Ways to Make Sure You're Always Lonely and Alone

1. Having parents that don’t want you


2. Go to a 12 step fellowship retreat without being part of the gangs that are there and actually tell people you’re lonely


3. Have the Church reject your vocation and refuse to offer direction


4. Have all religious orders tell you you’re too old to join for the priesthood


5. Be a middle-aged single man and watch the members of the religious order of the chapel you’ve attended for years make the rounds to only greet young people and families and skip by you


6. Be under successful


7. Be over successful


8. Go to work and try to do a good job